Thursday, January 12, 2006

I Like Spam

How much Spam can you handle? My inbox is filled with spam daily, despite the spam filters that are in place, advertising everything from the best prices in Viagra to the best prices on Rolex watches to...well...that's about it. Mostly spam about that.

But I'm talking about Spam. Capital S. You know, that stuff in a can that no one really knows for sure what it is?

Well, I'm coming forward to tell you today that I like that stuff. Sure, the thought of it is disgusting, especially that gelatinous coating that encases the, uh, meat. What is that? Well, it isn't supposed to matter. You aren't supposed to think about it. Just slice off some, fry it up, stick it on a sandwich with lettuce and mayonaise, and you have yourself one tasty meal.

I've heard rumors...and they are probably just urban legends...that the stuff was invented for soldiers in the war, so that they could eat meat anytime, anywhere. Just pop open a can and voila! I've also heard that it was infiltrated across the border from Soviet spies at one time in an attempt to poison the population of the United States with high-fat, heart-attack-inducing food.

But whatever the reason, I was feeling nostalgic for the stuff. Honestly, I haven't bought a can of Spam in ages. But I just might. I mean, after all, they still sell the stuff...so someone, somewhere is buying it. Which means it is edible. Unless...

What if all the Spam in the world is like fruitcake? No one eats it. But it never goes bad, so they just keep it on the shelves in hopes that one day someone will buy it and eat it. Rather than throw it out, filling up the nation's landfills, they just keep it spread out among the grocery stores in hopes that someone, somewhere will buy a can and fry some up.

Well...uh...my stomach isn't feeling so good at the moment. I think I'd better stop talking about Spam now. I'm imagining that smell. You know, when you first open a can? Like the smell of dog food?

What was I thinking? I don't like Spam. There. I'm glad I got that off my chest.

5 comments:

Kerri. said...

I have never eaten Spam. But I have tried "Armor Potted Meat Food Product," a desire based purely on a Dave Barry column I read.

It was disgusting.

So were the Beanie Weenies.

Melanie Lynne Hauser said...

Well, Ryan, we have something in common. Er, I mean - you have something in common with my sons because they LOVE Spam. Fried for breakfast, in particular. But the really cool thing is - have you ever been to the Spam Museum in Minnesota? My family and I had the privilege, soon after it opened. It was a blast! Very fun, kitschy, interactive, and full of more Spam memorabilia than you could imagine. We have a Spam spatula (or, a Spamula!), Spam coin bank, Spam pencils, Spam oven mitts....Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam!!!!

julia said...

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, wonderful Spaaaaaam, Loverly Spam.


I think it's one of the most disgusting things on the planet, but I can't help singing Monty Python, loudly, whenever anyone mentions it. It's a good thing I work in an office all by myself.

RyanBruner said...

Kerri:

Beanie Weenies are disgusting, I must admit. While the idea of hot dogs cooked with Baked Beans is somewhat appealing to me, you have to first start out with a decent hot dog (preferably Kosher...but if not, something like Keogel's Beef Franks work), and then use Baked Beans that are decent tasting...such as Bush's Best. Beanie Weenies fit in neither category.

RyanBruner said...

Melanie:

I had no idea that there was such a thing as a Spam museum. It takes sense, though...what else are they going to do with all that Spam that will last forever? They put it right next to the Egyptian Mummies. It might even manage to feed them in the afterlife.