Thursday, September 22, 2005

Yucky, Icky Men Ruling the World

Have you seen the news? A blow to mankind everywhere. Women, it seems, have far cleaner hands than men.

Come on, guys! Get with the program, here. Are you really in that much of a hurry not to take care of one of the most basic principles of hygiene? Doing your business, and then bypassing the sinks is just plain uncool.

But, then again, maybe not. I mean, when I approach the sink with my, as yet, unclean hands, first thing I do is touch the faucet handle. That's important. Because after a thorough thirty-second washing with soap and quick rinse, the next thing I do is shut off the water...touching the same faucet. So, hands are once again contaminated.

No problem. The solution to this is that as you wash your hands, you also wash the sink and faucet handle. Then, when you turn off the water, you're safe.

Until you go to get a paper towel. You grab that handle to propel about five-times as much paper at you as really necessary. Hmm. Okay, back up. While you are washing your hands and the sink, take a moment to go over and wash the paper-towel dispenser.

Perfect. Dry your hands, and then head out the door. But, don't touch the door handle. Otherwise you'll have to start all over again.

Still, we men have a gap to cover here. Because if men really are filthier beings, we will be more likely to get ill, which could lead to a dramatic shift in life expectancy. Pretty soon, the ratio of men to women changes, and next thing you know, the women are ruling the world. (Which may not be a bad thing, come to think of it.)

Then again, I read a study that showed people who grow up in dirtier environments have stronger immune systems. So, maybe, just maybe, the yucky, icky men of this world are helping to keep humanity alive and well. It is the women who are weaker by having clean hands, and perhaps that is why men have, traditionally, ruled the world.

So, make a decision, men. What will it be? Clean hands? Or world domination?

But before you decide, keep in mind that if the number of men increases dramatically relative to the number of women based solely on the fact we men don't wash our hands, we have a major mating issue to contend with.

Yeah. I thought you would agree with me. (Sex can be a powerful motivator.) Wash those hands!


Rebecca del Rio said...

You are indeed suceeding at being funny. I am way jealous. Great work. Also as one who frequently investigates lousy parents. Yippee! You're doing an excellant job. I normally would frown on anyone having more than the alloted 2 kids, but not when they are people who really should be raising kids. Keep it up!

RyanBruner said...

Thanks, Rebecca!

Melanie Lynne Hauser said...

Yep, funny post, Ryan! (Now go wash your hands.)