This morning, as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror performing that special jig called brushing my teeth, and after I ignored the fact that we have so much clutter on our sink that I can't even see the countertop, and then after I examined each and every item that covered our countertop, I realized something.
We have a lot of toothpaste.
Now, I deny any and all responsibility on this one. I'm a one-tube-a-year kind of guy. Aquafresh Sensitive. I buy it, and use it until it is rolled up so tightly, that even God himself couldn't get another drop of triple protection onto a toothbrush. With careful rationing, I find a single tube can last me at least six months.
My wife, however, likes to spice things up. She wants variety. And I have the evidence to prove it.
Case in point: Crest Liquid Gel toothpaste in two flavors (one of which appears to have tiny little pieces of paper in it that promise a blast of cool refreshing mint, or something); Crest Whitening Expressions toothpaste; Crest Multicare toothpaste; and Crest Tartar Protection toothpaste. That's just the varieties of Crest. I think there are some Colgate brand tubes laying about as well.
Yet, each of these toothpastes are barely a quarter used up. We have enough toothpaste to last until the next Great Flood! I've tried to encourage my wife to stick with one until it is gone, but the effort was in vain.
I will commend my wife, however, for coming up with a clever solution: The travel-size collection! She even bought a box that had four separate travel-size tubes in four separate refreshing flavors. Each one would last me a month.
Now, I say all this not to pick on my wife...but to realize that our toothpaste-buying habits might just be a window into our souls. In my scientific sampling of two, my theory might just prove to be the greatest advancement in psychology since, well, Freud. Imagine understanding a person intimately and completely simply by looking at how they buy toothpaste.
In my case, I'm clearly a man of monogamy. Never sway, never bat eyes at another tube. Not even a tiny flirt. And, I'm a very sensitive man. Loving, caring, yet able to distinguish between the hot and cold moments in our marriage.
My wife, however. Well, she likes to...hmm. I don't like where this is headed. Okay, ignore the fact that she won't commit to one tube for very long. Let's presume that's a fluke. But variety. She loves variety. She doesn't like to be in a relationship with someone who never changes, and...hmm. I never change. Okay, skip that one as well.
On second thought, I don't think toothpaste says anything about a person's personality. Forget I ever brought it up. Thanks.
(What's your toothpaste personality?)
