Wednesday, September 14, 2005

What's Your Toothpaste Personality?

This morning, as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror performing that special jig called brushing my teeth, and after I ignored the fact that we have so much clutter on our sink that I can't even see the countertop, and then after I examined each and every item that covered our countertop, I realized something.

We have a lot of toothpaste.

Now, I deny any and all responsibility on this one. I'm a one-tube-a-year kind of guy. Aquafresh Sensitive. I buy it, and use it until it is rolled up so tightly, that even God himself couldn't get another drop of triple protection onto a toothbrush. With careful rationing, I find a single tube can last me at least six months.

My wife, however, likes to spice things up. She wants variety. And I have the evidence to prove it.

Case in point: Crest Liquid Gel toothpaste in two flavors (one of which appears to have tiny little pieces of paper in it that promise a blast of cool refreshing mint, or something); Crest Whitening Expressions toothpaste; Crest Multicare toothpaste; and Crest Tartar Protection toothpaste. That's just the varieties of Crest. I think there are some Colgate brand tubes laying about as well.

Yet, each of these toothpastes are barely a quarter used up. We have enough toothpaste to last until the next Great Flood! I've tried to encourage my wife to stick with one until it is gone, but the effort was in vain.

I will commend my wife, however, for coming up with a clever solution: The travel-size collection! She even bought a box that had four separate travel-size tubes in four separate refreshing flavors. Each one would last me a month.

Now, I say all this not to pick on my wife...but to realize that our toothpaste-buying habits might just be a window into our souls. In my scientific sampling of two, my theory might just prove to be the greatest advancement in psychology since, well, Freud. Imagine understanding a person intimately and completely simply by looking at how they buy toothpaste.

In my case, I'm clearly a man of monogamy. Never sway, never bat eyes at another tube. Not even a tiny flirt. And, I'm a very sensitive man. Loving, caring, yet able to distinguish between the hot and cold moments in our marriage.

My wife, however. Well, she likes to...hmm. I don't like where this is headed. Okay, ignore the fact that she won't commit to one tube for very long. Let's presume that's a fluke. But variety. She loves variety. She doesn't like to be in a relationship with someone who never changes, and...hmm. I never change. Okay, skip that one as well.

On second thought, I don't think toothpaste says anything about a person's personality. Forget I ever brought it up. Thanks.

(What's your toothpaste personality?)


Keith Cronin said...

Very clever piece! I share this predicament, but in my case, The Betrothed is obsessed with hair-care products, filling our shower and every surface in our bathroom with bottles of stuff guaranteed to moisturize, volumize, and incredible-ize one's hair.

But since I have no hair, my only hair-care products are a razor and shave cream.

Still, we somehow make it work.

Maybe you guys could spice things up with some flavored dental floss or something...

Anyway, very cute post!


RyanBruner said...

Keith...well, you presume that we even use dental floss! I spent 6 months committed to flossing to see if it would make a bit of difference in the time I spent getting my dental cleaning. It didn't. In fact, I spent MORE time in the chair. So, now "just say no" to dental floss.

But thanks for the kind comments. A "very cute post" from you means a lot!

P.L. Frederick said...

Indeed. This looks like a job for the Toothpaste Personality Test, a clever invention by Evan Fisch. Okay, it's just a cartoon but you get the idea. It's at

Spiffy blog you've got here. Glad to come across it.

P.L. Frederick
SMALL & big

P.S. If'n you wanna exchange links, please let me know. I'd love it!