Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Love, Exciting and New

You know, I know I'm not only dating myself, but also perhaps revealing information that could be used against me in a court of law...but I absolutely loved watching The Love Boat back when it was on television. Gopher was my favorite character, and overall, each episode was completely predictable. But that's what made it so great...seeing how they could play out the same sequence of events with a completely different situation. New love, old love, and a relationship teetering, looking for major need of repair.

Sadly, I've never been on a cruise myself...unless the ferry ride at Walt Disney World across the lake counts. I once brought it up to my wife. Wouldn't it be romantic? Only, she pointed out that we could pretty much afford the tiniest of rooms, and then what would we do while on the ship? We're not really social people. We wouldn't climb any on-board rock walls or go swimming. We probably wouldn't go dancing. And there is no way we could afford the fine restaurants. We could go into the ports, though! Of course, we couldn't afford to buy anything there, either. So, suddenly the thought of a cruise wasn't as appealing. I suppose The Love Boat makes it look so, well, exciting and new!

But today is Valentine's Day...the day for lovers. And I most definitely love my wife, more than I could ever express in words. (Today, I decided to express it through a box of chocolates and a card.) But have you ever considered what a horrible holiday it really is? It's all about mass polygamy, if you think about it. Because you can't just celebrate the love you have for your spouse...but for your children, and parents, and friends.

Think about it. Think back to the days in elementary school. Each February 14th, you were expected to show up with a box of thirty cards for each person in the class. You were expected to express your undying love to all fifteen of the girls, and figure out which of the cards wouldn't sound mushy so that you could give them to the other boys. (Well, if you are woman reading this, swap the genders in that sentence.) "Best buddies forever!"

And then, of course, there is the horror that you actually forgot someone, and they are eternally offended. That happened to me once, in the third grade. I remembered everyone except Suzette Colins. And boy, was she mad that I forgot her. Our relationship was never the same since. Who knows, had I just remembered, perhaps my wife's name would be Suzette today.

Hmm. On second thought, I'm glad I forgot, because I wouldn't trade my wife for anything, nor anyone.

Anyhow, there we were, little kids, encouraged to forego a life of monogamy and play the field. And then, of course, there is the pornography involved. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? The little naked Cupid? Oh, sure, he is always shown with one leg turned just enough to hide anything explicit...but we're smart kids. We know what they were hiding. We weren't stupid.

And the violence. I mean, I had nightmares imagining having Cupid's arrow flying through the air and hitting me right in the heart. Oh, they say it would just make you fall in love, but come on...who has ever seen a bow and arrow make anyone fall in love? It is a weapon meant to kill, pure and simple. And they put such a weapon in the hands of a cute little cherub, as though that would lessen the impact of the murderer he is! What I do know is that, fortunately, Cupid is a poor aim, since no one I know was ever killed.

And to think that Hallmark embraces this holiday. I'm thinking we should start a protest. A boycott of Saint Valentine entirely. I'll lead the way...just as soon as my wife and I are done celebrating our love for one another. After all, there are certain advantages to the day involving a husband, his wife, and their bedroom. And I'm not talking about sleep.

So, the day lives on, spreading evil along the way.

Oh well. Happy Valentine's Day!

1 comment:

julia said...

Hallmark started this holiday, pretty much. Drives me nuts how commercialized it's become. I can't stand the commercials on tv for diamonds and jewelry - show her you love her, my butt. Don't buy me something because you feel obligated. I'd be much happier with a homemade card that had some thought put into it than a box of stale chocolates and some overpriced roses.

But I'm a cynical, bitter person, so there you have it.